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American Horror Story Hotel: Episodes 7 & 8 HOLY SHIT IT’S A DOUBLE FEATURRRRRRRE.

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Are you behind on American Horror Story?!? Us, too! Catch up with us!

Sorry for the two week hiatus. Well, last week they didn’t air AHS because of the holiday where we celebrate the beginning of a genocide, and the week before I was busy. Fuck you, I have things to do. But really, sorry.

So episode 7….we learned a lot. The Countess used to be a silent movie star and was in love with…..Tristen? Nope, same actor, different character. Kinda stupid if you ask me, like you couldn’t find another actor? He’s a white male, all white males look alike. And I’m saying that as a white male. But it turns out that The Countess was also married to Mr. March. Who saw that coming? And she was totally okay with the whole murder thing. Probably because she’s insane, but ya know, birds of a feather flock together and all that jazz. But her one true love(s) was Valentino, the handsome movie star who is also Tristen, and his wife. They had their share of awesome looking three-ways and then Valentino turns into a vampire, fakes his death, and ends up pissing off Mr. March, who has them sealed away to starve to death in his motel of murder. Of course, thanks to Will Drake tearing down the walls, they escape and murder a bunch of people. Two workers, some middle aged business woman, and three douchebag hicks. And they probably will kill a bunch of other people in the last two episodes. Cause you’re not going to just introduce characters and then have them disappear. Doesn’t make sense. And John Lowe checks himself into a mental hospital in order to track down the Ten Commandments Killer. He’s partly successful, because he finds the killer’s cell, but inside is Ren, one of the Countess’s pet children. Ren says she’s been helping the killer along, and agrees to take John Lowe to him. She then jumps in front of a truck to protect the killer…..

 

So many words were just said. So. Many.

So many words were just said. So. Many.

 

MASSIVE SPOILERS AHEAD. YOU’VE BEEN WARNED.

…which brings us to episode 8. This was a little predictable, because we find out who the Ten Commandments Killer was and honestly I wasn’t surprised. I’m not saying I’m smarter than you (although there’s a good chance I am) but it was a little obvious and cliché. The whole “the guy hunting the killer was the killer all along” just seems so in your face that a child could have guessed John Lowe was the killer. I mean a child shouldn’t be watching this show, but whatever. But AHS kind of redeemed itself for explaining the whole thing in detail. Every clue was analyzed, every bit of evidence saying John couldn’t have been the killer was examined and destroyed. For a second, you kind of think Mr. March and Sally were just fucking with John, then he kills Detective Hahn and you’re like “Huh, guess he is the killer”. But yeah, turns out John has been going to the Cortez for years, and Mr. March gets him drunk and they talk about how inefficient the law is. After March has the Countess kidnap Holden, John snaps and resumes the work of killing in the name of the Ten Commandments.  There’s only two episodes left, so this shit can hit the fan multiple times, enough to cover the whole room with blood, cum, and poop. Because those ingredients pretty much sum up the whole season. Except for poop. I just said that because I’m two years old and still think poop is funny.

 

funnypoop

Tyler Oberheu is a twenty-something English Major at DePaul University. He likes to write about dumb things while trying to sound smart about it. I don’t know what his problem is. Between you and me he seems a little “off”. But regardless, he loves science, but isn’t smart enough to go into a career in a scientific field. So, English major it is. Check out his upcoming memoir/self-help book called “Twist and Shout: An Awkward Life with Tourette’s” to learn more about why he does those weird little movements and noises. Or just read his articles on this website and determine for yourself why he’s so unhinged.

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3 out 5

War For the Planet of The Apes: Review

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 “Cesar is Legendary, Visual Spectacle But Story Falls Short”

 

The film opens fifteen years after the biohazard cure to Alzheimers, created by Will Rodman (James Franco) in Rise of the Planet of The Apes. Now humanity is on the verge of extinction and the Alpha Omega platoon, an extremist branch of the military, is putting up a misdirected fight for the survival of man kind. The first scene of the movie was the first and only scene of all out war between apes and humans which falls short of my expectations.

I thought the film was good, and according to Rotten Tomatoes it was almost perfect, rated at 95%. But this score is inflated and I can’t find out why so many critics haven’t seen what I’m seeing. Andy Serkis obviously steals the show as Cesar and the audience is forced to root for him the entire time until Colonial (Woody Harrelson) gives a sob story about his son, which doesn’t hit home for me. This isn’t what “Planet of the Apes” should be because I don’t have a choice to be on “team human” because the film chose for the apes for me.

First, the film completely demonizes the United States military. Not that there aren’t any discrepancies in the culture of the United States military but in the universe of this film they are the equivalent of Nazi’s. This sound’s extreme but their base was the equivalent of a death camp, making the apes work and planning to exterminate them afterwards. They don’t give the antagonist, the Colonial a name, making him out to be a robotic dictator. They do chant’s and war cry’s which resonate with the First Order in the new Star Wars series. I don’t think I am naive saying that most human’s don’t act like this and their specific cause for war isn’t clear. Will killing all the apes bring back the human population? No probably not, and it’s troubling that the only solider, Preacher (Gabriel Chavarria) who seems like he could sympathize with the apes undergoes no change. Even in the emotional stand-off with Cesar (who sparred his life) he is going to shoot the ape showing man kind’s overall downfall.

The apes seemed more human then the human’s which was a dark side to this movie that wasn’t supported by character development but by stereotypes and extremists. Finally, the ending may have been salvaged by writer/director Matt Reeves introducing the rest of the United States military, showing that the ape killer Nazis were not affiliated with them. But again the humans are demonized as white coated soldiers attempt to shoot a harmless, unarmed Cesar. But the apes win because of the avalanche, which seems metaphorical for the course of nature defeating evil but who know’s? What I would prefer is the message of acceptance and progressiveness from the arriving soldiers, maybe having them guide the apes to a safe haven. Instead, what is given is the theme of segregation and no the unified consciousness between the humans and the apes.

Yes, this movie is visually stunning and the actors/actresses did a phenomenal work giving an authentic performance with the burden CGI and motion capture. But I cant overlook a three-hundred pound gorilla riding horseback, or the apes making a cross country expedition in two minutes to some safe “dessert” as quoted in the movie. There were a lot of general aspects to the writing which strayed from what the series did the past two films. This series strives for realism, but was so conventional in doing so. The Colonial kills Cesar’s wife and son which is typical stake building, and I didn’t care for the characters enough to mourn.

I got a lot of the apes confused, and the only two I could identify a character with were Cesar and Bad Ape (Steve Zahn). There was also this notion that some of the apes betrayed their own kind for the promise of survival by the Colonial. This didn’t seem strong enough for me to turn apes against each other. Especially, when Red Donkey (Ty Olsen) whip their fellow apes and how they are treated by the human, having offensive names written on their back. If these apes are so smart, there is no way they could possibly think survival would come of turning on their own kind for the extremist group which hates apes. The only way this would work is if there was a line Cesar was crossing, in which he never does because he remains peaceful and protective of his fellow apes.

I thought this movie was entertaining and visually stunning to see at the cinema. But it lacked plot specificity and the time lapsing between the events make it less appealing. There was not much “war” and strategy but more figuring out how to escape the work/death camp. This was so drawn out that it would serve better as an HBO series, in which there would actually be a war with numerous battles and effective character development. A visual spectacle and entertaining film, but not a very compelling story.

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3 out 5

‘Saga of Tanya the Evil’ Episodes 5 and 6 Review

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 Cuteness has its perks.

Spoilers ahead.


As I mentioned in my previous review on ‘Saga of Tanya the Evil’, the only aspect of this show keeping me intrigued is Tanya herself. And she continues to do so, but in a new and charming way.

Episode 5 starts with Tanya selecting people to join her mage battalion. She does this alongside Viktoriya, and I’m still wondering why they are the only two women you see in the entire show. Again, I don’t really think the time period would accept women in the army, but this is an alternate reality, after all.

Anyway, Tanya puts the soldiers through some very intense training. Imagine having to dig a hole, hide in it, and wait 36 hours until bullets stopped firing down on you. Imagine marching for hours only to have an avalanche come down and bury you. Even though the training is extreme, everyone comes out of it alive, and after a month, Tanya has a mage battalion.

Much to her dismay, of course. She’s in shock that the soldiers continue on.

With her new battalion on hand, Tanya is sent to battle. However, since the enemy has no mages on their side, the battle is easily won. Think a full-fledged army versus a 50-man mage battalion. That’s how easy it was.

And Episode 6 shows Tanya’s strides in growth as she manages to scare away a fleet of bombers from battle. You wouldn’t think a little girl would be terrifying, but you have to keep in mind that this is Tanya Degurechaff we’re talking about. She’s fierce, fantastic, and fearless. Unless we’re counting Being X as a fear, then that’s a big one for Tanya. I still find it interesting that God, or Being X, is portrayed in a rather terrifying manner.

Possessing people is one thing, but just the way he holds conversations is nightmare fuel.

I think I’ll actually raise my rating to a 3.2 out of 5. The war terminology is still confusing, and I get so caught up in action that I don’t hit the pause button to read people’s military titles. There’s so many characters, but the only ones that are memorable are Tanya, Viktoriya, and Being X. Tanya especially continues to make this show as great as it is. Because kids are already scary, but this one takes the cake.

 

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3 out 5

‘Akiba’s Trip’ Episode 6 Review

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Stand back everyone, the robot’s got this.

If you thought ‘Akiba’s Trip’ couldn’t get any weirder, well guess what. You were wrong. Tamotsu has a new love interest, and she (it?) comes in the form of a computer…robot…thing.

After Tamotsu has issues with his WinMadOS computer (hm, I wonder where they got that name from), he decides to build his own computer. However, he forgets the most important part. Every computer needs an operating system, of course!

Cue La-san and her cuteness as she convinces Tamotsu to install an AI-driven operating system. This AI takes the form of a cute girl that Tamotsu lovingly names Pyuko. Even though in English it would seem the name sounds like puke. But whatever.

Tamotsu becomes very obsessed with this AI program, even wishing that he could take Pyuko with him to explore Akiba. However, La-san fixes this problem and makes it so that the computer, along with Pyuko, can move, becoming a small robot.

This leads to some weird sequences of Tamotsu and Pyuko exploring Akiba together. Akiba’s an interesting city in and of itself, but a kid walking around with a robot and interacting with it isn’t really normal.

Matome is pretty jealous of how much attention Pyuko gets from Tamotsu, but this all changes when the Bugged Ones appear in the shape of other computers. I won’t go into details, but a noble sacrifice is made by one of the characters in order to save the day.

So for now, I’ll raise my rating a bit to a 3 out of 5. There wasn’t actually a lot of stripping involved in this episode, and it took an interesting twist for once, rather than following a linear plot. Although, I feel like this episode really called out all otaku in regards to AI girlfriends or waifu obsessions. Also, how is Matome not dead yet? Like, does wearing one sleeve of a jacket still count as being clothed? Interesting.

 

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