4 out of 5
Once Upon a Review I Did Not Want to Write (Season 5)
Sometimes, Once Upon a Time sucks hairy man balls.
I’ve been avoiding getting around to writing this for several reasons, but mostly because it would mean that I have to admit something that I really don’t want to admit. What don’t I want to admit? That’s a really good question.
But I have to start with a little backstory. It all started when I was wee little one, aged two. My parents took advantage of my complete captivation with Disney movies, in particular, Beauty and the Beast and Aladdin. Oh, Aladdin. My parents would put the VHS tape in the player (and if you don’t know what a VHS is, you’re too young. Navigate off this site, child) and I’d sit, enthralled with Prince Ali and Jasmine and Rajah… eventually, I learned to rewind and play the VHS tapes all on my own and would sit for hours, watching the same one again, and again.
Thus the adult I am now, and my unwavering love for fairy tales. I have a particularly affectionate attitude towards Disney and Grimm fairy tales and wive’s tales. I’ll buy any movie off a shelf if it’s based off a fairy tale. Something about it excites me — like the fairy tales that I adored so much as a child have grown up with me, being told from new points of view and through different methods, and are coming with me. It’s nostalgic at it’s fucking finest, yeah?
All that just makes this so much harder for me to admit: sometimes, Once Upon a Time sucks hairy man balls. Like, sucks hard.
Once Upon a Time plays the heartstrings of any well-adjusted 90s child like a professional guitarist. The commercials for season one were spot on, featuring a large, mysterious tome, the kind any book lover would flay alive to get their hands on, and the iconic apple from Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. Add in a sexy Captain Hook, and holy hell, the tables just got turned and let’s watch this.
*whispering* I’m all yours.
The new season’s just started and I’m totally continuing to watch it, partially because my optimism comes in endless quantities, and partially because it’s too late for me. I’ve come so far and damnit, I’m going to make it to the final blackout with the words “And they all lived happily ever after.” printed on it.
And I’m still avoiding actually reviewing it.
Let’s just get started with Season 1, just a quick overview to jog some memories.
Season 1 was just about everything you’d want and it received generally favorable reviews. Emma Swan (Jennifer Morrison), a bail bonds collector, is reunited with her biological son that she’d given up for adoption ten years prior. Reunited is a pretty loose term. Henry hunted her down and showed up at her apartment.
While driving Henry back to his adoptive mother, the Mayor of Storybrooke, the entire reason for his visit is revealed. Storybrooke is frozen in time, cursed by the evil Queen, Regina, who is also consequently Henry’s adoptive mother. Henry explains to Emma that she’s Snow White and Prince Charming’s daughter and that they sent her away so that she wouldn’t get caught in the curse that was now blanketing the New England town.
Emma reacted like any normal adult would, and called some serious child punkery on that nonsense.
As the season progressed, it became startlingly obvious that Henry was, in fact, not crazy. The good vs. evil battle ensues, with good generally winning out in the end.
Season two was a nightmare. The only good thing that came out of season two was Colin O’Donoghue, the hunk of absolute guyliner hotness, who plays Captain Hook. That’s all I’m gonna say about that.
Season three was excellent — Neverland was an excellent choice to do a season on. Robbie Kay (Pan) was a hauntingly great choice for the evil Peter Pan, which was a surprising twist on the classic fairytale. The second half involved the Wicked Witch of the West (Zelena) and a little bit more of Regina’s past. This is the season where Snow White and Prince Charming started grating on my nerves with their constant debating about being good. Literally, I think they had the same conversation about doing right thing a minimum of three times an episode.
Season four was alright. I was very happy with the actresses they chose to play Elsa and Anna, Georgina Haig and Elizabeth Lail, respectively. They fit their characters very well. Cruela De Vil, Maleficent, and Ursula were all well-cast, too. All in all, good guest actors. The plotline gets very interesting with the Author and his involvement with Cruela, but they could’ve exploited the characters backgrounds a little more. It ends with Emma saving Regina from being taken over by the dark one, coining the new nickname “Dark Swan”.
Boom.
And here we are — season five.
The premier aired last night, on the 27th. It started off with three knights galloping off into a forest. The come upon a clearing with a sword stuck in a large boulder, but there’s already someone there. He tells them that they’re too late and grasps the sword’s handle with both hands to yank it out. It suddenly starts to shake violently and the guy is reduced to a pile of ash.
It’s reasonable to deduce that the man on point in the group of three is King Arthur. Sword in the stone. Merlin. Got it. Arthur steps up and grasps the handle to pull it out. Of course it slides out cleanly, but, lo and behold, the tip of the sword is missing.
The shot of Arthur holding the sword bleeds into the final scene from the end of season four, with the dark one’s dagger lying in the middle of the street with “Emma Swan” carved ornately into the metal blade. Indication: the dark one’s dagger is part of King Arthur’s sword, Excalibur.
Whoa. Fairly impressed at that strange turn of events. I don’t know what’s going to happen, nor did I expect anything like this, so that’s an A+ from me on this moment.
Hook picks up the Dark One’s dagger and attempts to call Emma to him. When she doesn’t appear, Regina reminds him that it only works if Emma’s in this world — clearly, she’s not.
Point of view moves to Emma, staggering around in the forest in the fairytale world. Suddenly Rumplestiltskin, as the Dark One, scales and all, appears. He’s just a figment of her imagination, though, Emma soon discovers. The dark magic can take on the form of any previous Dark One, but manifests as Rumple out of ease. (And also because who the hell wants to waste the extreme talent of Robert Carlyle, even when his character is in a coma? That would be just pure nonsense.)
For real.
Emma tries to fight his directions to use dark magic, but gets tricked and uses her dark magic to transport herself to a part of the forest that will take her to the Sorcerer Merlin, the only man who can take the darkness from her.
So far so good.
Suddenly, a small blue light flitters around in the background and is caught by a girl with fantastic orange hair. Merida. Emma and Merida have a little stand-off, Rumple/Dark magic encouraging Emma to take the wisp from Merida using her powers. Merida explains that she needs it to find her little brothers, who were kidnapped by people who don’t find her an adequate ruler after her father passed away. Emma refuses to use her dark magic and joins Merida to find the stones that will allow them to use the wisp.
Back in Storybrooke, the Sorcerer’s apprentice gives Regina and the gang a wand with the ability to find Emma, but it must be used the way it was forged: using light and dark. Regina feels that must mean her, but nothing happens when she attempts to use it. Hook says that Zelena may be their only hope for finding Emma so, reluctantly, Regina, Robin, and Hook visit her to ask for her help.
She refuses to help unless Regina removes her arm band, the only thing preventing her from using her magic. They leave to find another way.
Hook approaches Henry and proposes they break Zelena out to find Emma. He agrees, neither of them seeing the stupidity in this repeated plot device that the writers keep using — oh, I’m sorry, did I break the fourth wall? Yes, I did. Because my viewing experience was impacted heavily by the fact that, from this point on, it felt like the writers were, once again, using the same old plot devices. It was impossible to ignore.
How I feel all the time as the arrogant writer I am.
Characters go behind other characters backs, things go terribly awry, chaos/evil ensues, good guys must fix it, and, consequently, this formula is exactly what happens next.
Henry distracts the nurse at the front desk by spilling his soda on her while Hook races to free Zelena. Zelena steals a knife off of Hook and chops her forearm off to get that cuff off that stops her from using magic. And alright, that part was fairly shocking. Props for that. But, as expected, she has no intentions of helping anyone other than herself and, with her newly returned magic, is gone.
Surprise, surprise.
Not at all.
Now we’re back to fairytale world with Emma and Merida. Emma has increasingly become more psychotic looking as she tosses and turns, but can’t seem to drift off to sleep. Rumple informs her that dark ones don’t need to sleep, so she won’t find any reprieve from her want to escape into dreamland. She discusses his intentions for her to betray Merida. Merida, not-sleeping two feet away, hears.
Combining my recent obsession with Downton Abbey and my enduring one with OUAT. Check.
Back to the real world, Zelena steals Robin, choking the life out of him while everyone watches. Regina hands over the wand to save Robin’s life. Zelena reveals her plan to return to Oz, where she can be a ruler once more to be powerful, even if she’s hated in the process, and waves a necklace from Oz over the wand, creating a tornado to whisk her away.
Stricken by the sudden drain of power, Zelena falters and Regina dives in and slaps the bracelet to contain her powers on her once more and snatches the wand. Apparently this was the plan all along, or at least that’s how Regina plays it off. Next thing the viewer knows, they’re hunkered down at Granny’s, Zelena duck taped securely to a chair. Literally, the whole town is going to save Emma, even Prince Neal, Snow White and Charming’s babe.
Regina produces Emma’s baby blanket and waves the wand over it so that it will take them to Emma.
Back to fairytale land.
When Emma is paying attention once more, Merida is gone. Emma chases after her, finding her at the stone hedges after whispering into the wisp to make her wish of finding her younger brothers come true. Merida springs into attack mode, shooting arrow after arrow at Emma who just repeatedly catches them.
Finally, goaded into it by Merida’s incessant arrows and Rumple, she uses her powers to grab Merida by the throat and yanks her close so she can rip out her heart.
At that exact moment, everyone and her mother runs up. Literally.
They talk Emma into putting Merida’s heart back in her body. Merida learns an important lesson about forgiveness or something like that and runs off after the wisp to find her brothers.
Now, those knights from the beginning, obviously King Arthur and his men, gallop up on their horses and say that Merlin prophesied their coming, so everyone follows King Arthur back to Camelot.
They walk over the bridge in this beautiful CGI castle.
Black.
Lights up on the entire lot of Storybrooke characters on the floor of Granny’s back in Storybrooke. They’re all dressed in fairytale clothing (i.e. corsets, long skirts, plaited hair, tunics, etc.). Choruses of “what happened” echo throughout the room, because, drum roll please….
They’ve lost their memories.
Again.
This isn’t a tired plot device yet? This has to be the tenth time it’s been used in this TV show and this is only the beginning of season 5. Cue eye roll.
This one is Dr. House eye roll worthy. Seriously.
But, just then, Emma appears. Her hair is bleach white, she’s in leather and looks like the ultimate badass wanting revenge for what they’ve put her through in the six weeks none of them can remember. I’m totally ready for some ass-whooping or something but, instead, she just poofs out in a cloud of smoke after making the obligated threats.
Like, I know that’s kind of a villain signature, not taking the opportunity to kill your prey when the chance has been served up on a silver platter but, for once, just once I’d like to see a villain take advantage of it and wreak some real havoc.
That would shock my pants off, along with my socks.
All-in-all, I have mixed feelings about the season five premier. There were some good aspects, some typical ones, and some downright tired ones, but I’m intrigued enough that I won’t have to hashtag the word ‘guilty pleasure’ whenever I tell my social media platforms about watching it.
The North remembers.
In the universe of Game of Thrones, scenes’ before the opening theme are constant for the first episode of every season. For example, two great scenes that come to mind are the three Night’s Watchmen hunted down by White Walkers in season one or Tywin Lannister melting down house Stark’s sword Ice for Jamie and Geoffrey, season four. On the other hand, the opening scene of season is just plain horrific but awesome at the same time. Nothing is more satisfying then watching all the men of House Frey choke on their own blood after being reminded of the Red Wedding. It was an absolute grand-slam and took off perfectly from where we last saw Aryain season 6.
The North remembers.
Right after the credits we get a quick reminder of the army of the dead, and with more bad news; Giant white walkers. But thankfully we are intercepted by Bran warding into one of them which seems like a very useful ability (what’s next dragon’s or an ice dragon?). He is now with
the Watchers on the Wall and back in the mix, hopefully heading for Winterfell where he can inform Jon he is a Targaryan (This will be hype! I wonder if he can be burnt by fire!). Bran’s story has taken a back seat to other prevalent Starks but it’s nice to see him in the mix, demonstrating his power.
Next, we have psycho Cersei and her sane, lover brother Jaime. I still can’t forgive him for pushing Bran from the tower but I am starting to come around. The disapproving way he has been looking at Cersei dating back to last season says it all. From confronting her about
Tommen’s suicide, to questioning her about the enemies created (Targaryans, Tyrells, Starks, Dornish, and Half the Iron Borne) and the lifeless dynasty they will continue. He keeps his position with Cersei discussing what allies they have left but Jaime is clearly becoming distant and realizing the extent of his lover/sister’s delusion. I forecast a remake of the tale of “The King Slayer” retitled “The Queen Slayer”. In the mean time, the diabolical Yuron Greyjoy, the new king of the Iron Islands rekindles the bond between the Lannisters to move him into a prime position to become King of The Seven (three at this point) Kingdoms. He is presented as a lot more cunning and rounded character kissing up to the Queen and promising her a gift, whether that be Tyrion, and/or a thousand ship armada. What will be interested is how Jaime responds to a marriage between them, because Cersei and Yuron have a demonistic chemistry. She even abides by him making hand jokes and death threats (killing his brother, telling her to do the same). This was a fantastic scene all the while, and it really shows if Cersei get’s close to Yuron and isolates Jamie she will create yet another enemy.
We then get to a short snippet of Samwell Tally’s horrific, grotesque life as a server at the Citadel preparing to become the maester of Castle Black. There is a massive scene which shows him preparing food, cleaning and handling old people plumbing. What’s intriguing is the un-thrones like comedic cut between him doing his daily work; It’s funny and it’s not a bad idea to lighten the tone up because Tyrion used to be the comedy for us in the earlier seasons. Samwell helps the archmaester with the dissection of a corpse where he confirms his thoughts of the White Walkers. What was kind of cheap for me was his simple way of finding dragon glass through a book in the restricted section. It seemed too easy for Game of Thrones, like something you would see Hermione Granger find in the “restricted section”. Hopefully there is more too this but it was kind of stale and forced
Oh wait, Ed Sheeran? I didn’t see it coming, and I thought it was weird but acceptable. It was obviously him having an in with the producers and wanting a cameo role, but he has pure, angelic voice and creates a sympathetic feeling for the Lannister troops that brings out the non-assassin in Arya. She tells them she’s on her way to kings landing to “kill the queen” and it’s not taking seriously which shows how dangerous she has become. But what I see from this is season two when Mellisandre said there is a darkness in her. This darkness has come to fruition and it will be interesting to see how this is received by the remaining Starks. Besides the randomness of Ed Sheeran, I thought this really grounded Arya.
Sandor Clegane and the brotherhood without banners are now at a place he would rather not be; an old victim’s house where Clegane took their silver and resources. They find the father and daughter dead, holding each other. This almost creates an epiphany for the character, asking why the child dies, and fellow brother Beric Dondarion should be brought back. Then the flames get him, showing him the army of the dead and the reality of the larger issue at hand. I think we will see a more compliant hound the rest of this season. I’ve loved this character from the beginning and his arch is getting much broader for the better. I predict a positive change in attitude for the hound.
Finally, the Queen of Dragons, Breaker of Chains, Denarys Stormborn is finally home. From season one this is the only thing she has wanted. But now, she has an army of unsullied, the Dothraki and there gigantic Dragons. The final scene of her tearing down the Baratheon banner and taking her spot among her ancestors war table was breathtaking. It was a long, drawn out scene but the character deserves this and it has been a long time waiting. Fire and blood seem to be the strongest motto of any house right now, and it will for sure be enforced upon the Lannisters. My prediction although is that she won’t penetrate King’s Landing because of Cersei’s ruthlessness and George R.R Martin curveball tendency. Whit I think everyone is looking forward to is the meeting with Jon Snow that will eventually happen. It will be interesting if she commands him to bend the knee (he better not, he’s the rightful heir of the Taragaryan house and not a usurper like Daenarys)! This episode was a great starting block for the season while still providing notable and exciting action.
Rest in peace, watermelon.
The latest episodes in ‘Miss Kobayashi’s Dragon Maid’ were very interesting to watch.
One was definitely a fanservice episode, and heck, even the producers know that! Episode 7’s title contains the phrase ‘The Fanservice Episode, Obviously’, so that cracked me up.
Episode 7 focuses on the elements of anime that will appeal to any nerd out there. By that, of course I mean bathing suits and comic conventions! Cue the beach episode!
Tohru and company decide to go swimming for the day. Kanna’s adorable as always, while Lucoa doesn’t realize just how sexual she is toward a small boy.
Like, really? You think wearing a very sexy swimsuit in front of a lot of kids on a beach is okay? And why do you insist on torturing Shouta with your breasts? It’s obvious that he’s tempted, but stop trying to seduce small children.
Of course, they’re dragons, so hilarious antics ensue. Tohru and Kanna get carried away in a swimming race, making water splash up everywhere. Also, a crab and watermelon are murdered. RIP.
However, one aspect that I thought was a nice touch was the backstory we got for Tohru. It wasn’t much, but Tohru and Kobayashi have a deep and meaningful conversation about their family’s lives, as well as how humans and dragons are different from one another. Fanservice episodes usually focus on that alone, but fortunately that’s not the case here.
The second half of Episode 7 focuses on Comiket. Tohru and Kobayashi help Takiya run a booth, and we learn that Fafnir is also participating by attempting to sell powerful curses. Wow, didn’t see thaaaaat coming at all.
Tohru notices otherworldly creatures in their true forms at Comiket, as they reveal that this is a great way to show their true forms. With Kobayashi’s permission, Tohru exposes her wings and tail, appearing to others as if she’s cosplaying as, well, a dragon maid.
Episode 7 was very nice because there were many heartfelt and adorable moments.
Meanwhile, Episode 8 FINALLY introduced the dragon that I keep on mentioning in my reviews. Her name’s Elma, a dragon who is a rival of Tohru’s. Elma accuses Tohru of disrupting the human’s ways and tries to force her to return to the dragon world. This doesn’t succeed, however, as Tohru sends her to an open field and leaves her there.
Unable to get back home, Elma stays in the human world and begins working at Kobayashi’s company. Kobayashi teaches Elma how to use computers and technology so that she can keep her job. Of course, this prompts Tohru to become jealous, smelling the scent of another dragon off Kobayashi like a dog does with a human. I won’t reveal how the episode ends, but it ends in a positive manner for Tohru.
Overall, I really loved these two episodes because they made me feel warm and fuzzy. They appealed to the emotional senses through a heartfelt conversation between Kobayashi and Tohru. Elma is also an innocent sweetheart who only wants to bring harmony to the human and dragon worlds. And I can’t wait to see more of her in the upcoming episodes.
I feel like in these two episodes alone, we learned so much about Tohru and her feelings for Kobayashi. She really wants to understand the human world and will do anything to stay with Kobayashi.
I’ll up my rating to a 4.7. These episodes were both fun, and we finally got the new dragon! Bless.
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