With the recent release of the latest installment of the mutant superhero saga, one can’t help but ask: Where is the demand for more X-Men movies?
Full disclosure, the night before seeing X-Men – Apocalypse I did get quite inebriated with friends, but so what – last couple weeks of college!
Well that and the fact that I was trying to distract myself from all of the final papers that I have been avoiding. After all, how can I be expected to write about the relationship between family and politics in Shakespeare’s Titus Andronicus when there are so many craft beers I have yet to try. And by craft beer I mean Miller High Life and Budweiser.
That being said, I did was a bit nervous walking into the theater. As we all know, 3D movies and hangovers do not go well together… usually.
On this particular morning, with this particular hangover, in that particular reclining theater seat, I was transported to a simpler time: the days of Saturday morning cartoons. As soon as the Marvel Studios logo flashed on the screen accompanied by the X-Men theme, I shouted, “Fuck a hangover!” and cracked open a beer.
I was then escorted out of the theater by a pimple-faced usher and an all too handsy security guard. I guess that mom sitting next to me wasn’t bluffing when she said she’d have me thrown out if I didn’t stop trying to offer her kid beer. Sorry I don’t like drinking alone – that’s just not who I am.
But jokes on AMC because I still had my 3D glasses and The Angry Birds Movie had only been playing for ten minutes. So, without further ado, my review of The Angry Birds Movie…
I’m kidding, obviously, but not about the cracking open a beer – AMC is a surprisingly chill theater. They’re not like a regular theater; they’re a cool theater.
Now, all joking aside, here are my thoughts on X-Men – Apocalypse:
First, how the hell is Bryan Singer, the director, still working? Have we all just forgotten about that whole underage sex scandal thing that he was caught up in right before the release of X-Men – Back to the Future? If so, allow me to jog your memory: Bryan Singer was accused of sexually assaulting multiple under-age teenage boys. It was big news for about a week but nothing ever came of it and everybody just seemed to move on. In fact, most people have the same, “Oh shit, I forgot about that” reaction when the story is brought up. Well, I haven’t forgotten, and it makes watching his movies pretty difficult – especially ones that are so focused on good looking teenagers in spandex. Now call me crazy, buy I think I might be noticing a trend.
Second, did Singer final cut on this movie, because in what world does an X-Men movie clock in at around two and a half hours? I understand having a lot of characters usually means a longer run-time, but my God. Also, most of the characters were not even that well developed. So what was the point of the 40 minutes worth of character introductions: “And here’s this flat, boring character that will pop up every so often, but show absolutely zero growth or change as a human being.”
*cough* Storm *cough*
My third and final point is my disappointment for Oscar Isaac’s performance. Not only is one of the best actors alive nearly unrecognizable under all of the makeup and prosthetics, he also phones in his performance. Sure, the character, Apocalypse, might have been a little flat, but I mean come on Oscar, where are those sparks we saw in Sucker Punch and Ex Machina?
These points aside, X-Men – Apocalypse is one hell of a ride, albeit a flawed one. Sure, some of the dialogue scenes are a bit long, but so are the big, loud, over-the-top action sequences. And, no, it is by no means the best X-Men movie, but it sure as hell isn’t the worst. Plus, since it takes place in the 80’s it does have some pretty kick-ass outfits, hairstyles, and song choices. So in that sense, it might actually be the best X-Men movie.
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