Before I get into anything, I’m going to state right off the bat that if you’re a cinema bandwagon comic fan, I’m going to rip on you worse than Spongebob ripping his pants.

Evening boys and girls, nerds and nerdettes, heroes, villains, and overall bored patrons of the internet. You’ve stumbled upon my first review, not just for Odd Tale Studios but my first written review ever. I specify “written” review because I’m so obnoxiously outspoken and opinionated that about fifty percent of what I say is a review of something or another. That being said, you’re here so listen to me rant for a bit.

Before I get into anything, I’m going to state right off the bat that if you’re a cinema bandwagon comic fan, I’m going to rip on you worse than Spongebob ripping his pants. Too often I’ll be in a comic shop and hear some person or couple who just saw the most recent comic movie and are overly opinionated about a topic they know nothing about (which sounds very similar to watching a political debate). Then the other situation is some person or couple who are about to go see the most recent comic movie and expect the store’s clerks or the customers to tell them everything about whichever superhero is in the movie. There are literally enormous books with a word like “essentials” in the title for nearly every big name superhero. Pick one up and shut up. Mkay, that’s about as mean as I’m going to get today…I think, no promises.

Every week I’m going to write a review of two recently released comic books. They’re going to be mainstream DC or Marvel comics. Sorry, Indy fans, but I know next to nothing about Indy comics and to review one would be like pulling a Nolan and that’s just something I will not do. One comic book will have impressed me so much that I will give it the key to the city of respect that lies within my brain. The other comic will have bothered me so much that it will get a firm beating with a crowbar so bad that it would give Jason Todd some PTSD style flashbacks. Just like Jason Todd, this comic will most likely return (unless it’s cancelled). Sadly, unlike Jason, this comic will most likely not come back as one of the most awesome things to ever grace the page (if you think Red Hood/ Jason Todd isn’t as great as I just said, you’re entitled to your opinion but you’re wrong). If this sounds at all similar to Stephen Colbert’s Tip of my Hat, Wag of my Finger, well you’re right, congrats.

So, let’s get things started, yeah? I have a lot of fresh new titles to choose from thanks to Convergence, the DC nightmare made purely because they were moving headquarters and needed some time to get situated and the most recent Secret Wars, Marvel’s latest in a long line of mistakes (almost as bad as making all mutants into Inhumans, which I could rant about for a few hundred pages but I don’t think that’s what I was hired to do, let alone what you’d really like to read).

Let’s start off with awarding this week’s Key to the City. It was a pretty tough choice. I’ve read some great stuff this past month and, surprisingly, a lot of it was Marvel. Ever since Superior Spiderman hit the shelves, Marvel has taken all the comedy out of the funniest of their characters. Stark may have the occasional quip, Parker may get off a joke once in awhile, and Quill may even piss off Rocket for a page, but overall the heart of these characters became more somber than Kurt Wagner coming back from church. But I have to say, these recent titles have had me laughing so loud that my neighbors most likely think I’m crazy; I mean I am, but at least I hide it. That being said, the one character who got his groove back (even without Whoopi’s help) is Stephen Strange.

I absolutely love the Sorcerer Supreme. The guy used to be hysterical in the same manner that Tony Stark was. It wasn’t that he was cracking jokes like our favorite web-slinger. The guy had this arrogance about him that just made you smile. And it wasn’t even just that, he has a way with the ladies that I used to think only the Old Spice guy could have (not Terry Cruise, the other one, you know, the one with the horse). But for the longest time, Dr. Strange seemed to have become way too depressing. Whether it was within the pages of Illuminati, a cameo in another comic book or animation, or even in the recent Secret Wars debacle, strange never really had that signature swagger.

Well, now he’s back, better than ever, and with his very own series. Within two pages the guy is already making fun of doctor’s handwriting, name dropping like that one obnoxious guy at every party, and accepting our unspoken gratitude for keeping us alive. Before flipping to the next page (not really flipping, I carefully turn the pages, people who flip through their pages and ruin the bindings of their books are savages) I must say, I was skeptical. Too often Marvel has raised my hopes and dashed them horribly. But, I was pleasantly surprised because by page four the doctor was in and he was flirting with a magical demon lady. Now I know, people are super politically correct and get pissed off when a protagonist hooks up with a random woman. Please, it happens in real life, and the heroines of the comic universe do it just as much but it seems to go completely unnoticed (argument for a different day).

Page after page I was cracking up while being enveloped by the blankets of a good story. We don’t really get a hint of a plot until eighteen pages in when Strange meets up with the other big wig magic users of Marvel within “The Bar with No Doors” (I will give Marvel a slight back hand with the crowbar for creating this place because it’s a blatant rip from DC’s Oblivion bar which appeared sixteen years before this place). We get some pretty ominous hints about the magical world going all out of whack from the other spellslingers and once he heads back to his place in Greenwich, New York (don’t be too impressed that I know that, it’s right there on page 21) we get confirmation that this weirdness is gonna get even weirder for our strange doctor….named Strange, when we meet Zelma Stanton. Zelma has some freaky mouths growing out of our head who turn out to be the magical metaphorical equivalent of birds flying away from danger (they actually turn out to be a super rare creature known as Mind Maggots but that’s totally not the point). Then we get the humorless epilogue which shows that the weirdness has a cause. Essentially, we have the Paling from Sinestro but instead of wiping out emotion from the universe, they’re wiping out magic from the multiverse. I know Sinestro wasn’t the first place this sort of thing came up but still, the comics are coming out at the same time. Anyways, over all Strange got his groove back and earned himself the Key to the City. Now, it’s a 4/5 key. This isn’t like the giant key to the Fortress of Solitude, but it’s still pretty nice. I mean, it’s decorative, doesn’t really open anything but hey, pat yourself on the back, Stephen, you got the approval of a college student.

Now, then, who am I going to go all Joker on with my crowbar? At first I was thinking Starfire because she’s been sort of annoying and has gone from the dark brooding Kori to the culturally ignorant Star, from McDuffie’s Teen Titans. But I decided otherwise because it seems to be getting some traction and becoming sort of decent. It came down to an unbreakable tie between two titles that I was thoroughly shocked by. Not just any two titles, but two Batman titles, which just breaks my heart like a crowbar breaking some ribs. Batman Beyond and Batman & Robin Eternal, these two series have really bothered me. This review isn’t just on an individual issue but of their series as a whole. That’s not something I normally do but this time it’s going to happen.

I grew up with the Batman Beyond series. I fell in love with Terry McGinnis. Not in the way of the Ancient Greeks but in the way that a bro loves another bro (bromance) or the way that Christopher Nolan hates ruining characters.

For a while, the series lived on in comic book form and it was fantastic. They rehashed some old villains and made some minor characters into major characters. It was wonderful. But then, in the Future’s End series, they decided to kill off Terry McGinnis, a decision that hurt me in a way that not even a Lazarus Pit could fix. I thought that the series was over for good. Tim Drake dons the awesomely orgasmic (getting a little Ancient Greek there, I know) batsuit and destroys the Brother Eye satellite. I thought that was the end of it. But when they decided to keep the series going with Tim Drake instead of McGinnis, that just. You see this line ——————————–? They just fuckin’ crossed it. This isn’t some nerd rage overload I’ve got going on right now. I think I’m justified in being a little pissed off that they thought Drake (albeit an awesome character in his own right) was a suitable replacement for Terry. Terry is what made Batman Beyond what it was. They may as well have just called it Red Robin Beyond and been done with it. Seriously, this is worse than having Joseph Gordon-Levitt say his middle name is Robin.

But to make matters worse, it turns out that Drake failed to stop the apocalyptic future from happening and Brother Eye is still being a giant robo-dick (insert dirty joke here). Which, correct me if I’m wrong, but wasn’t Brother Eye completely annihilated a while back? I know the New 52 stuff got changed around but I’m fairly certain there was something about it being gone for good in Omac. What really put this series in my crowbar’s crosshairs (that’s right, my crowbar has a crosshair, it has a laser sight on it, too, so there) was when Superman, after being all terminator-ed out by Brother Eye, was put down like Ol’ Yeller by a piece of Kryptonite. The guy had been turned into a robotic death machine, maybe it would have weakened his Kryptonian powers and all but I mean, c’mon, that’s just dumb.

Now we’ve got Batman & Robin Eternal. Before I start beating it senseless, I want to say that I’m way too intrigued by this series to really be all that harsh about it. That being said, let me explain some stuff that has been pissing me off. Does anyone remember the Red Hood Annual a few years back that made it sound like the Joker meant for Jason to become Robin and even knew that Ra’s would revive him and he’d become Red Hood? Does anyone remember the outrageous amount of nerd rage that was all over the internet about it? I’m sure DC does. So then, why in God’s name would they think that making it sound like Tim Drake (and maybe the other Robins too) were planted in Batman’s family by this villain known only as, “Mother.” I accepted the Batman Beyond, Return of the Joker concept when Drake had that weird DNA altering device in him that made him the Joker. But this? This is a bit much for even me to take. But wait, there’s more (RIP Billy Mays). Not only is most of the Bat-Family suspect for Mother Indoctrination, but Batman was brainwashed by this woman (or maybe man) and forced to kill some kid’s family? And if that wasn’t enough, they turn this kid into the biggest cliché looking assassin of all time? I mean really, look at this guy. He looks like every twelve year old’s first idea for a comic book character. Just to put the cherry on this chocolate-sundae of bullshit, why not name this walking cliché Orphan? You know, the first eternal storyline was so amazing that I have to believe that this is all for a reason. Tynion Iv, Snyder, Orlando, Eaton, Cliquet, Faucher, and Eltaeb, I’m begging you, don’t let me down.

Even Robin can’t believe what they’ve fuckin’ done.

Both of these series are receiving 4/10s from me. I know that’s the same as a 2/5 but that doesn’t have the same sort of feel to it as 4/10. I mean, the stories aren’t terrible, they just have some things in them that deserve a Joker style beating with a crowbar. They aren’t going to need a Lazarus Pit, but they should probably get some bed rest and let Alfred look after them for a while. Oh, by the way, Alfred has a hook hand? What the fuck is with that? I know that he lost his hand and all but still, that’s just messing with my head. That’s like when you go to shake a guy’s hand before you realize that he’s an amputee. You’re not disgusted or anything but you feel like an ass for it, right? Oh well, rant for another time.

Anywhoozlez, I hope (I just misspelled hope six times…) that you all enjoyed the first of what is hopefully many Matthew-style rantings.